


Samidare

by thyandra



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Emotional Fluff, Happy Valentine's Day!, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, because apparently I can't write a kiss without a ridiculus amount of feels first
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-14
Updated: 2016-02-14
Packaged: 2018-05-20 14:35:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6011527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thyandra/pseuds/thyandra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maybe Hide got it wrong from the beginning. Maybe he should have just spoken sooner. Love had always been a big deal to Kaneki, but he only ever knew its twisted side. <br/>It was okay, really. Hide was willing to show him the real one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Samidare

**Author's Note:**

> Samidare (五月雨 さみだれ): Early-summer rain.
> 
> Before you read, please note that this fic has no particular context. I imagine it happening in an alternate universe where Kaneki and Rize never met, and Kaneki finally sorts out his feelings. It could also work as a slight canon divergence after their date, idk. You chose.   
> I wanted to try my hand at some verbal confrontation, because only Ishida knows how much these two need to speak their minds a bit more. Also, don't be fooled by the emotional roller coaster. I promise it has a nice ending. It's valentine's day after all!

Outside, the rain is still pouring like crazy, covering everything in a veil of gray, misty unknown. The sound of the droplets crushing and falling on every available surface covers that of his own breathing, and Hide lets himself be lulled by its sad rhythm, discreetly muttering a much happier tune under his breath. He never liked rainy days. **  
**

He lets his gaze wander to Kaneki’s perfectly organized library and winces. His own textbooks are probably ruined, soaked as they are from the rain. Neither boy had thought of bringing an umbrella that morning; the rainy season had started sooner than they thought.

“Do you think tomorrow class is going to be cancelled for the weather?” he half-heartedly asks.

He hears a muffled snort from the adjacent kitchenette. “Don’t think so.”

“Shame,” Hide laments, stretching his legs a bit. “I wish I could procrastinate writing that stupid essay.”

He adjusts his blanket to better cover his shoulders and sends a big smile in Kaneki’s direction when he sees his best friend approaching him with two steaming mugs in his hands. “Or you could, y'know, be the amazing best friend you are and take pity on me!” He pouts a bit for additional effect. “Will you let me borrow your notes, buddy? I swear this is the last time I fall asleep in Asian History class!”

Kaneki doesn’t reply. “Here,” he mumbles instead, setting his hot chocolate in front of Hide. He smiles a bit as Hide’s hands immediately wrap around the hot ceramic, brushing his own, and his friend lets out a pleased sigh as his stiff, cold fingers rejoice from the drink warmth. “Thanks, man! This smells delicious!”

Kaneki takes a sip of his own coffee, not minding the harsh sting of the scalding beverage on his tongue. He needs to stop thinking. He plops down on the floor next to Hide with a huff, and sets his cup on the small table.

“What’s wrong?” Hide asks, a hint of concern immediately showing in his voice. Kaneki smiles ruefully and rests his forehead on Hide’s shoulder, turning to face his friend’s back to avoid the piercing gaze he knows Hide wants to pin him with.

Hide shivers a bit when Kaneki’s damp hair makes contact with his exposed neck. He doesn’t mind.

“Just… Just listen, okay? Don’t say anything,” Kaneki weakly mumbles.

Hide hums his assent, the sound reverberating in his ribcage. He is listening.

For a while the only sound blanketing everything is that of the downpour outside. Minute raindrops ding and topple on the metal of a nearby balcony, emitting a monotone sound that reverberates through the distant murmur of the storm. It’s not soothing. Inside, nothing moves as if waiting. Neither boy addresses the silence in the room. Hide smiles as Kaneki finally raises a hand to absentmindedly start drawing nonsensical patterns on his back. He can barely feel the feather-like touch through the thick blanket.

“You can take my notes,” is the first thing Kaneki choses to say, and then he lets out a big sigh. Both of them know he is only stalling. Hide sips his chocolate until there none if it left, and he too sets his cup on the table. “Actually, I don’t know why you still bother to ask,” He can hear the tentative smile appearing in Kaneki’s voice and he relaxes. This is nothing serious. Probably only his best friend overreacting over something small. “It’s not like I can say no to you, or even want to.”

But this is something new.

Hide doesn’t comment, instead storing the information for later. Kaneki never was one for explicit declarations of friendship. He was the type who showed his feelings through his actions and his small gestures of affection.

He hears him taking a big breath in. “Hide, you are really important to me.”

That’s why that simple sentence catches him completely off-guard. He twitches, feeling the impulse to search for Kaneki’s eyes and see what’s going on. What’s so clearly bothering him. But he doesn’t turn, knowing full well that Kaneki will stop this crazy charade if he as much as breathes a word that’s not on the script Kaneki is diligently reciting as if this is just another one of his acts. As if he’s scared of Hide’s reaction, he realizes, startled.

Maybe it really was something serious after all.

Kaneki would still try to build walls around himself from time to time whenever something bothered him. Hide would be lying if he said that it didn’t make him worried whenever that happened, though. To know and to feel him close up in himself are two very different matters. His only wish is for Kaneki to find his happiness after all.

So he hums lightly, careful to maintain his posture completely relaxed. I’m here, his whole being says. He lets his hand search for Kaneki’s, stopping next to it and turning his palm up in a silent invitation. Kaneki takes it and Hide squeezes it for a moment, then quietly lets go, waiting.

If Kaneki is trusting him with this, Hide won’t deny him his support.

“A-after my mom’s death,” he finally resumes, and Hide can’t help but notice the strain on his voice, “you were the only person I thought I could trust. The only one left who was willing to be there.”

At this, Hide grits his teeth. Why is this still weighing on his heart? Hide had thought he had moved on from her, finally put her at rest. He knows he shouldn’t be angry. But feelings are complicated, friendships are even worse, and maybe even Hide needs to finally let her go.

But her shadow is still cast on both their smiles, her memory still ghosts through their fears, and Hide knows he’s not really angry; he’s just bitter.

“I owe you a lot, Hide,” Kaneki whispers.

Liar, Hide mentally counters, you know that’s not right.

“I don’t think you realize just how much this means to me,” Kaneki says, and it sounds sincere enough.

I don’t think _you_ do, Hide thinks, and it’s true, too. You don’t owe me anything. I was _happy_ to be there for you. _I still am_.

But Hide is bitter, not angry, because it wasn’t her fault that he never found out the courage to say those things out loud.

And so he keeps silent, because this one time Kaneki asked him to.

“Hide, I… I think your love is what saved me in the end.” A bitter chuckle. Hide hates how broken it sounds. It’s as though they are children again, still afraid to reach for one another, still desperate for each other’s touch and comfort. “I didn’t think that was something I could still wish for myself.”

Silence. It stretches for a tad bit too long.

That’s when it dawns on Hide what he’s really talking about. That’s when he realizes why his mother gets back in the picture. Love, he said. Not friendship.

_He’s still scared_.

And damn it, Hide is even more scared, but he finds that he can’t keep silent anymore. Not when he went as far as trying to destroy that wall.

And let it all be damned for all he cares, Hide loves him so much. He doesn’t turn around, when a sad smile appears on his lips.

“Hey, Kaneki?”

“Mh-mh?”

“Why are you crying?”

It’s as if a spell has been broken.

Kaneki freezes as if he hadn’t noticed the silent tears sliding down his face. He straightens up and hastily wipes at his eyes with an arm, pulling away. Hide doesn’t have it in him to regret ever bringing it up. He hates seeing him cry.

“I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to… I don’t know what’s gotten into me…” This is a mess. He should have kept if for himself, Kaneki thinks.

But then Hide’s hand catches his and takes it away from his fast-reddening eyes. He gulps, his apologies dying in his throat as his gaze follows the action; Hide entwines his fingers with his, squeezing reassuringly.

Hide is now facing him, but is still not looking at him. His pensive look is distant. “It’s the same for me,” Hide admits, and he finally glances up at him, letting a beam show on his face. Despite the confidence in his words, Kaneki notices that the hand not holding his raises to nervously scratch at his neck. “I guess I should have spoken sooner, uh?”

He gapes.

His eyes immediately search for a lie in Hide’s brown orbs, but he finds none. He suddenly feels stupid. He doesn’t know why he ever doubted Hide. He doesn’t know why he feels so relieved either. But he does, and he swallows thickly, feeling overwhelmed. Hide only squeezes his hand again, knowing full well what just was on his mind.

“Since when?” Kaneki then asks. He needs to think of something else. “Since when did you know?”

Hide looks pensive at that. “Uhm. High school? No, it was before that. Errr… Ah, I got it! It was your twelfth birthday,” he grins. “Yes, that’s right. Since I saw your nose covered in cake frosting!”

Kaneki looks at him, puzzled. How come he can recall a date with such precision? Had he thought of it before?

Hide doesn’t let him elaborate on the information, though, immediately adding up with a completely straight face: “That’s when I knew I was yours.” Hide’s eyes turn back to his and he just stares for a moment, his smile turning mischievous. Then he chuckles and his gaze becomes unfocused again, reminiscent. Unaware of the shy look in Kaneki’s eyes and the redness slowly spreading in the tips of his ears. Or maybe, Kaneki thinks, he’s perfectly aware of it, but he just doesn’t care.

“Man, you were so cute!” He says, and Kaneki’s ears burn, “Completely oblivious of the smudges on your face, though. Your nose was purple from the blueberry and you had the biggest goofy smile on your face because I remembered it was your favourite,” Hide laughs. Kaneki’s heart feels strangely light.

It wasn’t because of that, Kaneki doesn’t say. I was happy because I hadn’t gotten a cake for my birthday since I was three. Mother was always too busy for that and my aunt didn’t even care.

Hide looks at him with a strange glint in his eyes. He gets closer and rest his forehead on Kaneki’s.

“It never happened,” Kaneki says, trying to sound firm.

That glint doesn’t go away. “I have photographic documentation, you know? Your nose was seriously purple.”

“And I’m telling you _it never happened_.”

Hide giggles. Kaneki cracks a smile, too.

“Okay. It didn’t,” Hide relents. Silence stretches on again, but it’s of the comfortable kind this time. He looks at Kaneki as if he’s seeing him for the first time. His smile becomes a lopsided smirk. “But you were still really cute.”

“Oh, shut up,” Kaneki says, embarrassed. To think that he had been reciprocated for such a long time is something he can’t yet wrap his head around that easily. It doesn’t make any sense to him. Hide has had crushes on other people before. But now he’s telling him he’d loved him all along? It doesn’t make sense. It shouldn’t bother him. It really shouldn’t.

“Hey, Hide…”

But it does. And he needs to know if Hide is serious about this.

“Yeah?”

“Do you mean it?”

At first Hide doesn’t reply. He pulls away. Kaneki thinks that that’s it, he should have known that pulling the rubber band too hard would have made it snap. He really is a fool.

Outside, the rain still pours like it’s never going to stop. Kaneki feels that lump in his throat forming again. How foolish of him, thinking that love could ever break free from pain and just live in its own light. How foolish. How blinded he was by the warmth of the sun; he should have known that a sudden storm could always catch him off-guard. He closes his eyes, not trusting himself to be able to stop the tears he already knows are coming, like droplets from the sky.

Hide pecks his nose and pulls away immediately after. That gets Kaneki’s attention, who immediately opens his eyes to stare at him in confusion.

“I do,” Hide whispers. When did he get this close again?

Hide cups his face with gentle hands, smiling softly. This up close, Kaneki can see with newfound precision the spiderwebs created by the crinkles around his eyes; he can see the flutter of Hide’s lashes, slow, delicate, as if as afraid as Kaneki feels in the vary same moment; he can see the small freckles on his cheeks he’s never noticed before, because he’s never been this close. He’s never seen Hide like he is seeing him now.

“But that doesn’t matter if this is not what you want too, buddy. You have to mean it too,” Hide says, and Kaneki stares. And stares, and stares. “I love you and I trust you. And I will love you and trust you even if you chose not to trust me,” he says, and his hands leave Kaneki’s skin, but not before tracing his face with the most reverent touch Kaneki’s ever been given.

His smile is a bit strained.

_Afraid_ , Kaneki realizes, _really_ afraid, and he doesn’t need to look any longer in Hide’s eyes to know he’s telling the truth.

How foolish, how foolish of him.

He takes Hide’s hands in his own and squeezes tight.

Love had always hurt him, but Hide never would. Never willingly. That is enough, for Kaneki. That’s his promise back, too. They would make it work if it isn’t.

“I already told you I trusted you from the start, silly,” Kaneki says, and both boy hear the unspoken _because I love you too_.

Hide grins, no, he positively beams at that, and Kaneki stares again. And he stares, and stares. But his eyes are on Hide’s lips this time. Hide notices. He kisses Kaneki’s cheek and then laughs, and it’s the most beautiful sound Kaneki has ever heard, so he joins him. Soon, they find out they don’t know how to stop. Kaneki’s belly aches, but he doesn’t know how to stop; his knees feel weak and he feels drained of all his energy, but he _doesn’t want_ to stop; the relief and the happiness he feels are making him feel light, weightless, elated, and he’s overwhelmed by the fullness he feels in his chest. He feels like he might explode, and he wonders for the first time if this is what love should feel like all the time. He looks in Hide’s eyes, brimming with tears of mirth of his own, and he thinks it is.

Finally, the laughter fit dies down and both boys are left to catch their breath. It wasn’t even that funny. They must have been really terrified then, uh?

“You have the right to kiss me now,” Hide then teases, and mirth threatens to spill from his lips again. “You don’t need to look so hungry, y'know. You could just do it.”

Kaneki sputters. “H-Hide! I didn’t look ’ _hungry_ ’!”

Hide only giggles in reply.

“A-and I k-know! It’s just… Uhm.” he abruptly stops. Hide looks curiously at him, tilting his head in a silent question. Kaneki bites his lip. This is embarrassing, okay? He’s never kissed anyone. He only vaguely knows what to expect from the novels he’s read.

Hide cracks a smile. “You never did this before, did you?”

It doesn’t sound like a question, though it was posed like one. Kaneki should feel offended by it. He really should.

“Can I?” Hide gently asks, his hands retrieving their previous place on Kaneki’s cheeks. Hide’s thumb traces his lips and Kaneki’s voice dies in his throat. He just nods.

He finds that he’s not offended by Hide’s words in the slightest.

… That is, until their noses bump awkwardly together as his best friend tries to get closer.

Kaneki chuckles. Hide pouts, and when Kaneki looks at him he chuckles even harder. “You have as much experience as I do, don’t you?” he barely manages to say through his laughter. One of Hide’s hands flies to scratch his cheek and he looks away, retreating. A blush starts to dust his face, too.

“Errr…”

“Oh, come back here, you doofus.” Kaneki catches his fingers and entwines them with his. “I’m nervous too,” he admits, “but it’s you, so I’m not worried.”

Hide bites his lips and eyes him pensively. The weird glint from before is back. “Alright,” he says. He takes a big breath in, then out, then he gets closer again.

This time he tilts his head a bit, angling it so that their noses wouldn’t bump. He brushes his lips against Kaneki’s tentatively, unsure how to proceed. They’re unexpectedly soft. He brushes them again, this time with more decision, and he feels a shiver run down his spine when Kaneki sighs and open his lips a fraction, prompting him to go on. His hands move on auto-pilot, leaving Kaneki’s and wrapping themselves behind his neck, bringing him close. He needs to have him closer. He wants to feel his heartbeat against his own skin. The blanket had fallen from his shoulders a long time ago, and now it’s only in the way. Hide whines a bit, trying to let his message pass without having to part from Kaneki, and fortunately he gets it.

Kaneki’s hands roam around them to find the offending object and pull it aside. He smiles against Hide’s lips as the blond hums appreciatively.

Hide doesn’t know what he’d expected for this moment to be like. He spent hours fantasizing about this very second, and years telling himself they would never reach that point. Hide doesn’t know what’s gotten into them both to find the strength they needed to just say it.

But Kaneki’s lips and soft hums against his own are intoxicating, and he finds that he can never get enough of them. His chest feels like it might explode from how happy he feels, and he wants for Kaneki to know. And so he pulls him closer, and closer, until there’s no space between them left, and he feels so damn happy his lips stretch in a smile so big it eventually becomes difficult for Kaneki to keep chasing his lips, and Hide has to break up the kiss. But Kaneki is giggling softly a breath away from him, and the fullness in Hide's chest makes him feel so light he dives in for a last feather-like peck.

Kaneki’s hands reach for Hide’s hair and his fingers affectionately run through his soft strands.

“I never knew you were such a good kisser. I would have confessed earlier if I did,” is the first thing Hide says when they pull away. Kaneki groans, covering his face with his hands. “Hide…”

The blond just chuckles and pulls him closer in a bear hug. He buries his face in Kaneki’s neck. Even this close, he can still feel the steady rhythm of Kaneki’s heartbeat.

Kaneki wraps his arms around his best friend -or should he say boyfriend?- content with just that. Wrapped up in a pile of limbs, both boys lose track of time.

 

 

It’s only a lot later that Kaneki’s gaze falls to the window. He smiles.

“Hey, Hide?”

“Mh-mh?”

“It stopped raining.”

**Author's Note:**

> As always, you can find me on my [tumblr](http://bloodycarnations.tumblr.com/) and feel free to leave prompts and random commentaries in my inbox, if you want to! :)  
> This was originally posted there as practice, but please don't go easy on me! Critics and comments of all sorts are always appreciated!


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